Journal
by Prescilla Jones
Summary: Thoughts of a quirky teenager.. :P
1. Chapter 1

1. He loved her before he ever got to me, and when you tell me that these years of crying and missing him are pointless because he would have dumped me for her anyway, I want to… I don't know what I want to do. The pain is unbearable. All this time, I've imagined that deep down he's still as madly in love with me as I am with him, but now I begin to believe that all those times of you telling me he was over me and more in love with her than he ever could have been with me. I don't know how deep his love for her runs, but I'm sure my love for him is more intense than their love combined and thrown into the hottest flame in hell. I've loved him since I first laid eyes on him from across the classroom. That shaggy brown hair and bright blue eyes. He has the most intense blue eyes I've ever seen. The pulled me in, and have never let go. Sometimes I catch myself gazing into them when you're not looking, but every now and then you catch me, and it makes me feel like some crazed stalker. All I want is to be your friend. When you love someone to the point where there's not a day when they don't cross your mind for at least one second, all you want to do is talk. It doesn't have to be romantic. It doesn't have to be more than you simply replying to my hello, but I long for your attention. I want you to notice me as often as I notice you. I want to run through your mind like you do mine. I want you to know how badly I miss you. How badly I regret ever letting you go. Of course I want you back, but your happiness is all I long for, and if she can give you that, then I'm happy with your relationship. But please don't ignore me. Please don't act like I don't exist. Please don't act like we never happened, because we did. Sometimes there's a glimmer in your eyes when ours meet. Maybe it's just me over thinking the light reflecting off of the liquid surface, but I swear there's a hint of something there. I know you remember me. I know you'll never forget all the silly conversations we had, talking about sky diving and being cats. We lived in an old abandoned mansion filled with millions of cans of tuna fish, and you did it all-just for me. I miss things like that. The cute things that made me smile. The small things I'll never forget. The retarded promises we made. And I'll keep mine. The first time I ever go sky diving, you will be with me- I guess I'll never go skydiving, huh?

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2. Do you miss us? Do you ever compare your relationship with that ogre to the love we had? I know it wasn't much, but it was still something. Growing and blossoming every day. I cried for hours after I let you go. It was as though my world was coming to an end._ I wish it had._ I think every day of how much I miss seeing your texts bloat my inbox. How much I miss that beautiful smile of yours. Before it was fixed and you still had braces on, you'd flick your rubber bands at me from across the classroom. Silly things like that are lodged in my brain. The things that made me smile. Laugh. Enjoy life. You are the sole thing that has made me the happiest. There has yet to be anything that compared to the joy I felt whenever I was around you, talking to you, in the same room with you. I still feel that way. Even just thinking about you now sends jolts of happiness to my brain, but there's a wall of pain that blocks them from getting there. It's the pain that always extinguishes the fiery feeling I have for you, the happiness, because we don't have that anymore. From what he tells me, you don't have ANY feeling for me anymore. I'm barely a thought in the back of your head. How can someone you loved so much mean nothing to you now? I guess the love of another girl can cause that blinding effect, can't it? Why can't I be that girl? Why can't I make you blind to all the other girls around you? Why don't you text me daily for hours and hours and lose sleep over me because we stay up texting until two in the morning? Why can't I make you smile anymore? Laugh anymore? Happy anymore? Why can't we be together? Why do you have to choose that ogre over me? I'm not the most beautiful thing, and I know looks don't matter, but I'm prettier, more talented, and have a much better personality than that THING. I love you way better than she can ever dream of loving you. I still do. And she will never be anything in comparison to me, but then again, she never broke your heart.

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3. I miss you.

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4. Where are you? I thought I could get over you, but I guess you can never stop loving someone the way I love you. But now you're leaving me. Will this make it easier not to love you so much? Will you escape my mind more and more? There's always something that pulls you back into my head. Of course you'll never leave completely. I love you too much for that to happen, but we've been separated for more than a year now, and I think I've been weaned enough. I think it's time for you to straight up leave. Just like you are. This way you're not in every class I have. This way the sight of you doesn't send me in a downward spiral where I want to bolt out of the room and cry in the bathroom. This way you're gone. This way makes it final that there will never be another 'us.' This thought hurts me. I'm not ready for you to leave me. Even though you've already been gone for so long, you've always been around. You've always been there I my mind. But now I'll never see you again. I said my final good bye as though I hated you and not a single thought about missing you crossed my mind. But of course it did. Of course I'm going to miss you. I love you. I don't think I can say that enough. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I cry for you, because I love you. I stare blankly at the wall in the middle of the night, because I miss you loving me too. I wish I had never left you, because we used to love each other. There was a connection I had with you that I've never had with anyone else. The way you could make me smile just by looking at me. It sent me over the edge. You were perfect for me. You were cute, had an amazing sense of humor, smart, and caring. You had the most beautiful blue eyes-eyes that I never properly got to gaze into. You could make me laugh at the stupidest things- things I normally wouldn't even find funny. You weren't Einstein, but you had a brain-one I didn't get to play tricks on enough. And you loved me like nobody has ever loved me before- a feeling I long for evermore every day. My heart beats with your blood-metaphorically speaking. You gave me a piece of you, and I refuse to give it back, but I also gave you something. I can't very well say that you need to take good care of my heart because I tore yours to pieces, but be gentle with it. I know there's nothing you can do with it now, and you're slowly breaking off pieces and throwing them back at me, but when will you throw me the glue and help me put it back together.

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5. I think I need closure with you. I don't know what I'd ever say to you aside form "I love you" and "I miss you" and "Please forgive me" and "Can't we still be friends" but that's not what closure is. Closure is you telling me that it's over. That we'll never happen again. That you're madly in love with this wicked bitch that soils your heart. That you love me too? That you miss me too? That you forgive me? That you wish we still talked too? None of that will ever come out of your mouth. I'm not sure if I want to hear it, because that would only invoke that you still love me, but it hurts more because I can never have you. You'll never leave her, just like you promised you'd never leave me. It's true. I'm Forever Alone.


	2. Chapter 2

1. I've finally found someone that takes him off of my mind. I don't think about him anymore. Honestly, I haven't for a while. But this new person, he's great. I don't think I could ever imagine letting him go. He makes me smile like no other person has ever made me, and when I look into his eyes, I'm not sure whether I'm feeling **his** happiness, or seeing my happiness in his eyes. He has the most beautiful eyes that I could stare into for a life time. I'd venture to say I even love him. Statistics say that if you care deeply for a person for more than a month, it's considered love. Well, of all the people to love- I'm glad it's him. We can talk for hours and never run out of things to say, and when nothing is being said, our eyes speak for us. There are barely any secrets between us. I've never been this open with anyone, not even my best friend. Granted, there are still things that I'd tell her before him, but he'd still find out from me either way. I don't feel like there's anything he's trying to get from me, so I don't have to close myself off as much from him. I love that. There's a true connection between us. He says it may be puppy love, but there's so much of it, that he has to rule that out. ~And I wonder, "Why even call it that then?" I know it's a fresh relationship and there hasn't been much time for anything to develop, but I'm waiting for it to blossom into the most beautiful flower imaginable. I can truly see us going somewhere, but that's just me being a happy teenage girl. :")

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2. There's something about the way he holds me close and kisses me that sends waves of excitement through my body. It's not lust filled or a creation of affection. It's something real. I don't know how to describe it, but I also don't know whether to believe it. So many times have I been deceived of love, that when there's a hint of it being sincere, I question it to all odds and ends. I try not to with him, because I'm genuinely happy when he's around, or even when I receive a text from him. I've never had someone treat me as kindly or as affectionately as he does. I guess you could say I've never had a **real** relationship with a guy before. I've never been on a date, he was the third person I had ever kissed {if I'd consider a peck on the lips from the others as a kiss}, and I'd never really hung out with a boy friend before, but every chance we get he's trying to come over to see me. And his kisses are amazing. Not that I'd know the difference if they were bad, but… still.. XD I like them. They actually mean something to me, whereas the other kisses felt like nothing but friction to me. For the longest of times I didn't understand why people were all hyped about kissing, but when he pulls me into his chest and puts his lips against mine, I begin to realize the joy behind it.

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3. I'm fairly girly, but when I talk about him, I get super mushy. Like if you were to watch a chick flick and then discuss the love between the two main characters. It's odd coming from me, and the gush spilling from my mouth kind of disgusts me, but that's just how great he makes me feel. He turns me into a different person, but not the kind of person that I want to tie to the back of my car and drag down the interstate. Because there are a few people I'd gather pleasure from listening to their horrified screams ~ as psychopathic as that sounds, I could never imagine myself harming another human being in such a manner, so don't think I'd a sociopathic killer. XD I just allow my mind to wander sometimes. Anyway, back to being mushy and disgusting: he's the kind of guy you read about in books. Granted, he may not have the washboard abs and the sexy biceps, but he's got a heart of gold, and he actually has a brain he knows how to use! –that one was a shocker~ when we first started talking I thought he used a lot. Nope, he actually knows those 'big' words. And he has an amazing sense of humor. He's a bit strange when it comes to video games and music, but I can't say that I'm what society would consider 'normal' when it comes to _anything_. Two quirky, intelligent, humorous people in a relationship together~ WATCH OUT WORLD!

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4. I know this must sound weird coming from reading about me being all depressed about this other guy, and then all of a sudden "Oh, I'm in love again!" well there's been a great amount of time pass between that other guy and this one, and when I put my heart into a relationship, it's fully. So for the longest time, I was upset about him. I hadn't found anyone that made me feel as happy. Nobody else really wanted a relationship with me. They all just wanted to shove their tongue down my throat and rip my clothes off [neither of which has EVER happened] but 2 years later, here I am with someone who trumps him by one million. Of course I still have feelings for him- you never lose feelings for your first love, but they're not the same. If he wanted to be friends, I could go into that relationship without ever wanting it to be more than that. I cared deeply for him at one point, and I would be sad if he died, of course, but I'm glad that he moved on, and I'm excited that I've finally found someone who truly makes me happy. And I've also realized to never let myself get that attached to the ending of a relationship. Yeah, there were great memories, but what's done is done, and the past should stay where it is. Always look ahead for a brighter future where the new memories will be even better than the old ones. So far, that's the truth.


End file.
